


Begin Again

by billyes



Category: Bastille, Bastille (Band), Dan Smith - Fandom
Genre: All beard all the time, F/M, because hipster Dan is the best Dan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-07-14 22:30:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7193543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/billyes/pseuds/billyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Years after uni graduation, your old friend Dan reenters your life. Will you pick up right where you left off, or will you find that you don't love the man he has become?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. No Turning Back

_Wasted. My friends are_ completely _wasted. These idiots…_

A smile slowly spreads over your face as you look around the small flat you share with your two best girl friends, Kate and Sophie. Your place is cozy, and decorated so skillfully that it deserves its own spread on ApartmentTherapy.com.

_Maybe if this whole fashion career doesn’t work out for me, I can get a job as an interior decorator. Now I have a Plan B. Excellent._

A few years ago, you left everything behind, packed a suitcase, and moved to England for a study abroad program intended to last one semester. The first month was difficult. As if general culture shock wasn’t bad enough, you quickly became aware that Brits don’t hastily warm up to foreign students. Naively, you believed you would be welcomed with open arms and all of your classmates would want to get to know the girl with the accent. Oh how wrong you were. No one was impressed. No one even seemed to notice. 

That is until you met Dan.

You sat behind him every day in your creative writing class but didn’t speak for the first four weeks. Sometimes he would turn around to check the clock on the wall at the back of the room and you would steal a glance at his face. He never made eye contact, never said a word.  _Must be some kind of weirdo,_ you thought. 

Then he saved your life. 

Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but he definitely saved you from an anxiety attack. Your professor had asked the class to choose partners. As you watched your classmates pair up, your eyes frantically searched the room hoping to make eye contact with someone. Anyone. You could feel your vision blur as the tears were welling up. _Oh god. I have no friends. Fuuuuck…_

Just as you were contemplating running out of the room, dropping the class, and dying of embarrassment, your eyes met a sea of cerulean blue. You blinked to find their focus and saw the blushing face attached to the back of the head you had stared at every day prior. He introduced himself as Dan and offered to partner up. After that day you became best friends and at the end of the semester you decided you might as well study abroad for one more…then a third semester… a fourth…

~~~

_Crash._

The loud noise brings you back to the present; to your flat packed with the many friends you made since you became BFFs with Dan. Kate’s standing in the kitchen, laughing over the pan of brownies she had just dropped straight out of the oven. 

_And that’s why I should never let my drunk friends handle the baking._

Crowded in the kitchen behind Kate are a few other friends laughing hysterically over the ruined treats. You glance around the living area you’re standing in and study the familiar faces around you. Everyone smiling, drinks in hand, chatting and reminiscing over the past. You should be drunk, too. You should be celebrating.

_What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy like the rest of them? What am I scared for?_

Your vision begins to blur.

_Great, here comes the waterworks._

You scan the room, looking for your human security blanket. Where’s Dan when you need him? He always knows how to make you feel better, how to relieve you of the anxiety attacks and mood swings that always seem to hit you at the most inconvenient times. He always knows just the right thing to say. 

Not to mention he’s also a hell of a bartender and can make a delicious drink that’s strong enough to put down an elephant. Yes, getting drunk with your best friend is exactly what you need right now.

You spot Sophie walking in the doorway that leads to the balcony off your living room. You head towards her.

“Have you seen Dan anywhere?” you ask.

The look of worry that flashes across her face doesn’t escape your notice. Her eyes dart to the balcony as she replies, “Oh, um, yeah. He’s outside getting some air. What do you need?”

You furrow your brow when you hear the awkwardness in her voice. “Is he sick or something?”

“No, we were just having a kind of intense conversation. He’s… just being his usual Dan-The-Downer self,” she says. 

Okay, something is definitely up.

You laugh awkwardly and excuse yourself as you make your way to greet Dan on the balcony. As you step outside, your eyes take a second to adjust to the darkness of the night. Dan’s standing at the railing, arms propped against it, holding a small box in his hands. You take a moment to study him before he notices your presence. His tall, slender frame leans slightly forward, staring at the box in his hands. He looks, well,  _sad_. There’s no other word to describe it. Your best friend must be feeling the same weight you do. 

After a moment, he places the box in his pocket and looks out into the night. His shoulders slump over, one arm hugging himself while the other hand is lifted to his face. His fingers pick at the stubble growing along his jawline, a nervous habit you had noted on many occasions. He must really be lost in his thoughts if you’re able to walk all the way up to his side before he notices you. 

“Hey, mate, you alright?” you ask as you wrap your arms around his scrawny waist in a friendly hug. After a moment, you feel him return it.

Dan hugs are the best. You’re just tall enough that you can lay your head against his chest if you stand on tip toes. Sometimes, he would lean down and squeeze you tightly before lifting your petite body off the ground an inch or two. 

But this time, there’s no lift. Dan moves his arms down to give you a light squeeze, drawing in a big breath. As he slowly exhales, you feel his head drop down and rest on top of yours. He stays like this for what seemed like an eternity before finally lifting his head off yours and answering.

“I’m alright. How are you?”

You glance up to see he isn’t looking down at you. He’s staring back out into the distance again, looking nervous. He’s definitely not alright.

“I’m alright I guess,” you reply. “It’s all a little bittersweet, right? Today we graduated and I’m super excited to be finished with school, don’t get me wrong. It’s just tomorrow we’re all going to be starting our adult lives. You and Kate are moving to London. Sophie’s staying here in Leeds until she figures out her next move. I’m leaving next week for Paris. I mean, Paris. Freakin’ _Paris_. I don’t even speak French! What was I thinking when I took a job in Paris? I just…I don’t know… I….”

You study Dan’s face as he searches for the right words to say. It surprises you when he lets go of the hug and takes a couple of steps away from you. His gaze shifts from yours to looking back into the distance beyond you. Frustrated with himself, he looks down to the floor and tightens both hands into fists so tightly his knuckles turn white.

As he closes his eyes he finally speaks. “I need to tell you something. Something I should have told you a long time ago”.

“Okay, then tell me.” You look up at him, wondering what he’s going to say. _Oh no, he’s dying. Or he’s gay. Maybe he has a secret twin…_

He opens his eyes and turns to look at you. “Do you remember that creative writing class we had together in year one?” 

“The one where we met?” you ask.

“I used to turn around to pretend to check the time on the clock behind you. I mean, I was wearing this watch every single day so it was totally unnecessary but I needed an excuse to turn around.” He glances down to his data-bank watch as he speaks.

You laugh out loud at his confession. “Why on earth would you need an excuse to turn around?” you ask innocently. His face turns a scarlet shade of red.

“Well, I… you see…” he stutters. “I tried to work up the nerve to speak to you every time I turned around. I tried to think of something smart to say. Obviously I’m an idiot so I never did think of anything brilliant to impress you with.”

Not understanding where this was going, you crack out a teasing grin. “Yeah, I doubt I would have been impressed by anything said by the weirdo that sat in front of me every day and blocked my view with his ridiculously crazy hair.” You step towards him, hand reaching up to tousle his fluffy locks when he takes another step back, ducking away.

Since when did your touch repel your best friend?

Dan’s lips twitch and the light of his cerulean blue eyes fade to a dark sapphire. He scrunches up his nose and worry lines streak across his forehead.

“I had a crush on you… rather, _have_ , not had. I’m an English graduate, I should understand the proper tenses,” he confesses with a nervous laugh. His eyes searches your face for a reaction as he continues. “There were times I thought maybe you felt the same. I wanted to tell you, but I was always too terrified to say anything. When you told us last month you were considering the move to Paris, Sophie said I should tell you how I felt…” 

As he watched your confusion spread across your face, he begins to nervously ramble on, hardly drawing breath. “… That it might change your plans. I–I guess it’s more than just a crush… I’m a little bit in love with you… alright not a little bit–I mean–I _am_ in love with you. I was going to tell you, but Chrissy and Ralph and everyone else were like ‘no don’t do that it will ruin your friendship!’ and I figured I should keep it to myself and I–I decided I wasn’t going to say anything and I shouldn’t be saying anything now and I feel like an idiot but I can’t let you go to Paris without telling you I loved you. I loved you. I’m in love with you. I always will love you…” 

Dan stops suddenly, glancing at you for a moment before looking back down and giving a nervous huff as he runs a distressed hand through his hair. “God, I really am an idiot. Please say something.”

You stare at Dan, trying to make sense of the words that had just rushed out of his mouth. Your best friend just admitted to having a crush on you. Actually more than a crush, he said he was in _love_ with you.

You swallow hard before finding your voice again. “You…wait, everyone knows? All of our friends know?” you blurt out without much thought. With your thoughts spinning around your head, you feel a little light-headed.

Before you even have time to make sense of what you’re feeling, Dan steps towards you, quickly closing the gap between your bodies. You can feel his warmth against the cool night air surrounding you, sending a shiver up your spine. He reaches down and in one motion sweeps your body into his arms, one hand pulling you closer to his waist and the other cradling your head in the crook of his neck. This action takes you by such surprise that you don’t react, laying limp in his arms. You feel him pull back a little, probably to look down at you, but you can’t look up. You don’t know why, but you close your eyes for fear that making eye contact with Dan in this moment might break you. You feel as though you’re drawing your last breath, like you might die right here in his arms. 

Suddenly, you feel his hand pull away from your side and cup your cheek. He lifts your face, eyes still closed, and you feel his lips softly brush against yours.

_Can’t. Breathe._

You’re not sure how much time passes before you finally open your eyes. You can feel both of his hands still cradling your head gently, tenderly aware that your body is trembling. His eyes travel slowly from your lips to your eyes. Overcome with confusion, you feel a single tear slide down your cheek.

“Dan…I’m sorry…” You’re not even sure what the rest of that sentence would have been, but before you can finish, he’s gone. The moment he heard the word'sorry' _,_  he released you and sped for the door. 

You take a moment to gather yourself before stepping back inside your flat to look for him. You don’t know what you’re going to say when you catch up to him, but you know you have to. _He has to know I wasn’t going to immediately reject him. This isn’t how tonight was supposed to end… the last night all together before all of our friends go their separate ways. The last night I will see Dan before he leaves for London and I for Paris._

You rush through the cramped flat, bumping into bodies and furniture, searching frantically for Dan. You finally see Sophie and pull her towards the less crowded kitchen so she can hear you.

“Have you seen Dan? I can’t find him anywhere,” you say as you keep looking at all of the faces in the crowd, hoping to spot Dan.

“He left.” She hesitates before continuing. “He said to give you this.” 

With a frown, she hands you the box you saw him holding earlier on the balcony. You excuse yourself from the party to seek the solitude of your bedroom. As you sit on the edge of your bed, you open the small parting gift from Dan. Confused by the sight of Dan’s watch, you pick up the note taped to the lid of the box. You set the watch down and read: “ _May we never waste time turning back… but always to our future. With all my love, Dan xx_ ”

~~~

You push open the heavy door of the small London pub and let your eyes adjust to the dim light inside. Your eyes scan the room for Kate, your old uni friend and new roommate.

You spent three years in Paris, working and building experience as a fashion merchandiser for a trendy brand of womenswear. As a proven hard worker, you had steadily been promoted, building an impressive resume for someone your age. When you heard there was an opening within the brand for a stylist position in London, you wasted no time in letting your boss know you were interested. This job meant a promotion, a raise, _and_ a return to England. Yes, please. 

They offered you the position and you gladly accepted. _Styling the stars is my actual job. Someone is actually going to pay me to do this. This is_ crazy _!_

You smile when you spot Kate and move to sit down in the chair across the table from her. The two of you have stayed close since graduating, through all of the moves, jobs, boyfriends, and losing touch with everyone else. She has become your best friend and when you were offered the job in London, Kate was the first person you told. Together, you came up with a plan to find a flat to share and you moved in this morning. Deciding you had done quite enough work for the day, you left your flat to run a quick errand and agreed to meet Kate at the pub around the corner in an hour.

As you sit down, Kate’s face lights up and she excitedly screeches, “ I HAVE TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING!”

“Um okay.” You stare down your friend, arching one eyebrow at her absurd outburst.

She slams down a newspaper on the table in front of you with a crazed look in her eyes. You look down at the black and white print, and look back up at your friend not quite understanding what she’s trying to show you. “ _Look at that name!_ ”

 _Okay, she’s screeching again._ _Maybe moving in with her was a mistake. I mean, I love Kate but when she gets excited she sounds like a monkey in heat_. You laugh at your internal commentary before looking at the paper where her finger is pointing. It’s the by-line for a film review of Fifty Shades of Grey. _What a wretched film. I hope the review rips it to pieces._ You read the first couple of sentences to satisfy your curiosity. They were snarky, sarcastic, and completely filled with seething rage towards the film. _Good._

“I was unpacking glassware and I saw his name on the paper and I figured it had to be him, right? So I went online and searched for the paper and I found his LinkedIn page and it’s him. It’s actually him! He’s a journalist. Well, actually, he’s a film reviewer but whatever… he lives in London and he’s still single and, by the way, he looks _really_ good. Look.” She pauses for the first time during her rambling speech to take a breath and flash the screen of her phone in your face.

Before it even registers who the face belongs to, you look back at the paper and read the name on the by-line of the film review. You look back up at the photo and study his face. Fluffy, unruly hair? Check. Strong jawline? Check. Ginger stubble? Check. Dimples? Check. Beautiful smile with one crooked front tooth you nicknamed Steve? Check and check. But those eyes… they aren’t the dark, heartbroken, sapphire eyes you had last seen three years ago. They were the bright, kind, cerulean eyes of the best friend you had known every day of uni since the day he saved you from humiliation in class. The eyes you love. Yes, love. You love him. It wasn’t until after his own confession that you realized it, but you love him. No, loved. Past tense.   _I’m over him,_ you tell yourself for the millionth time. You feel the giant smile on your face and look away, hoping Kate hadn’t noticed. Then it dawns on you what your friend has said just a moment earlier.

“Hold on, how do you know he still lives in London and is single?” you ask.

She sets her phone down, and grimaces before she continues. “Don’t kill me, okay? I may have contacted him on LinkedIn.”

“And…?” you trail off, feeling that there’s more to this story.

“We swapped numbers and were chatting, just catching up. I told him how I found the paper because I was unpacking boxes in our new flat…oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I told him you moved here… and he suggested we meet and have a chat.” 

You feel a pang of something surge through your heart as she smiles at that. _Is that jealousy?_

“Great, let me know how that goes,” you say, trying to mask whatever it is you’re feeling.

“Uh, again, don’t kill me,” she says sheepishly. “I invited him here tonight. He should be here any minute.”

You feel your heart skip a beat and possibly explode. _So is this what a stroke feels like? Dan. Here. Now. But I look terrible. What do I say? Will he even want to speak to me? This is going to be so awkward_. _Oh, just put me out of my misery and kill me already._  

Immediately, you’re pulled out of your thoughts when you remember what’s wrapped around your wrist. You look down at the clunky men’s watch you’ve not taken off in three years. You don’t know why, but you feel embarrassed at the thought of him seeing you wearing it after all this time. Just as you reach for the clasp to rip it off, you hear a familiar voice coming from behind, greeting Kate. You feel all the blood in your body rush to your cheeks, heat spreading across them before slowly turning back to see him.

 _Dan_ …


	2. Second Chances

If someone asked you to describe Dan, you would probably use words like lanky, nerdy, insecure, shy… He was always a little unsure of himself, a little too quick to turn several shades of red when he received any kind of attention. You had spent most of your time at uni trying to build up his self-esteem, pushing him to submit his writing to the school paper or talk to pretty girls in pubs. But that Dan, the king-of-the-nerds Dan, is not the man standing in front of you tonight. This new Dan, Dan 2.0, is…

_Sexy. Holy mother of all that is good and just in this world, give me strength. Look at him… am I sweating? I think I’m sweating. Pull it together, girl. It’s just Dan, your best friend from uni. Boring ol’ Dan… with a quiff and hipster glasses. Oh, and a full beard. He has filled out nicely, hasn't he? Nope. Stop. Do. Not._

As he walks across the pub towards Kate, you survey the man before you. His fluffy, unruly hair has been neatly styled in a quiff worthy of a boy band. His ginger stubble has filled out in a panty-dropping full beard. When he leans down to give Kate a hug, you note how his fitted black jeans appear to be hugging a pair of shapely legs and bum. Just as you begin to wonder what things might look like under his baggy NASA jumper, you’re ripped from your thoughts by his outstretched hand.

“Hey! Long time, no see,” he greets you warmly.

 “Yeah, it’s been awhile. How are you?” you answer as you awkwardly return his handshake. _No hug for me, I guess. This is awkward._

“I’m great. How are you?” he says. Letting go of your hand, he moves towards an empty chair adjacent from the one you were sitting in a moment earlier. You plop yourself back into yours.

Without thinking you reply, “Good. How are you? Oh, I already asked that. Never mind.” You nervously laugh and shoot a _help me_ look at Kate. Dan didn’t even seem to notice your mistake as he turns his attention back to her, now sitting opposite of you again.

“So on the phone you mentioned you were working at a marketing firm now. What’s that like?” he asks Kate, turning all his attention back towards her. As she begins to describe her new job to your old friend, a waitress comes over to take Dan’s order. You notice the waitress checking him out and fluttering her eyelashes a little too earnestly to be subtle. He doesn’t even seem to care that she’s interested. _Probably used to it_ , you think, rolling your eyes. When he’s finished ordering, he casually asks Kate a few questions about her office. Will she be working from home some then? Does she expect she will get to travel? Does she know so-and-so from the PR office? _Blah blah blah._

 _Am I invisible? I feel like the third wheel on a first date._  

While your mind continues to whirl with envious and over-dramatic thoughts, you plaster on a fake smile just in case Dan might notice your presence at the table. Kate, taking notice of your overzealous smile and blank stare, attempts to steer the conversation towards you.

“…Yep, and she had just got a job offer here so it was _fortuitous_ timing.” Kate nods towards you as she speaks. Dan keeps his eyes glued to Kate as she continues. “She has the coolest job. She’s going to be styling all of these famous people for events and editorials and stuff. Tell him about that photo shoot you just styled.” When Dan shifts his gaze to you, Kate gives you an encouraging wink.

 “Oh, I don’t want to name-drop,” you shyly reply looking down at the table.

“Aw, give me a hint then,” Dan says with a mischievous smile. “I can keep a secret.” He gives you a wink. You can’t help but feel your face flush at how ridiculously attractive Dan looks. His smile is as boyish as ever, with Steve the tooth and his trademark dimples both making an appearance. His eyes, though, seem to have aged. Gracing the corners of his eyes are scattered laughter lines and there are more freckles on his cheeks than you remember. _He’s aging well_ , you note.

“It was a promotional shoot for a new album by this indie band you’ve probably never even heard of. It’s just a couple of guys and they were really easy to work with,” you giggle as you continue. “But they ruined a couple of perfectly good shirts with this impossible-to-remove black face paint they covered their necks and hands with. It really had me _stressed out._ ” You emphasize the last two words implying that you were giving away a clue.

“That’s terrible. I know I hate it when I ruin shirts with my face paint,” he says playfully. “It really leaves a _tear in my heart_.” 

You give Dan a giant smile at the realization that he knows exactly who you were alluding to before.  When he gives a small chuckle you ease into a sense of familiar comfort with him.

You glance at Kate for reassurance before turning back to Dan and asking, “So what about you? What are you up to now?”

“I spent about a year after school not really having a clue what I was going to do. I’m ashamed to admit this but I couldn’t find any real work so I was working part-time in a shop and moved back in with my parents. I guess I was a late bloomer,” Dan says, momentarily looking sheepish, like the boy you knew in uni. He looks into your eyes and perks up again. “Then I started submitting film reviews to the papers, like the ones you used to make me to write at school. Almost everything I sent got rejected. I was getting desperate so I wrote something a bit bizarre. It was this think-piece review of Eraserhead by David Lynch, comparing it to some of his later works that showcased his directorial maturity. His cinematography is really outstanding. Each still from his film could easily stand-alone like a… you know what, never mind.” He stops suddenly with an embarrassed smile.

“No! Please, go on,” you beg. “I love when you get excited talking about this stuff! I may not understand what you’re talking about but I just love seeing you so…I don’t know, I–I…” You trail off.  This time it was your turn to be embarrassed. Your schoolgirl crush was as evident as the poor waitress batting her lashes at Dan earlier. If this were a game of poker, you definitely just showed your hand.

Dan smiles at you and shifts his weight in his chair towards you, leaning in. His hand reaches over the table, his fingers playfully flicking the corners of the napkin placed in front of you. His body language and voice appear more confident as he continues, “Well that David Lynch review, which is easily the weirdest thing I’ve ever written, landed in the hands of an editor for this big magazine. He was really into obscure, cult classic horror films and he liked my piece so he gave me a shot at my own weekly column. After that I was asked to pick up more and more freelance work, and was offered some amazing opportunities.”

“What our friend Daniel is too humble to admit is that he is one of the most respected film reviewers in the world,” Kate interrupts. “When he’s not busy traveling the world attending film premieres, he’s probably hanging out with his movie star friends in his chic downtown loft, sipping champagne, and fucking models.”

Her mocking causes Dan to laugh out loud before he corrects her, “Ah no, there is none of that.”

“I guess the job has its _very_ pretty perks, eh?” you tease. “How many of those perks have you been enjoying? Now is your chance to brag, Smith.”

Dan raises both eyebrows surprised at your candor before laughing. “You know what? Some things never change. I could be the last man on earth, completely surrounded by beautiful women, and I would still be hopeless.”

You look to Kate sensing her eyes on you. She gives you that knowing look, reminding you of your earlier conversation when she told you Dan was living in the city and still single. You try to keep your face straight as you’re aware that Dan is still watching you, but by the look in Kate’s eyes you know you’re in trouble.

“Why is that, Dan?” she asks with fake sincerity. “Are you a one-woman kind of man? Or maybe you’re holding out for someone?”

“Like I said, some things never change,” Dan says softly, looking deep in your eyes. You feel a surge of heat rise through your chest, up your neck, and into your cheeks. This isn’t the kind of heat that gave you hot flashes when you were checking out his bum before. This is that heat you feel when you’re a kid and the cutest boy in class asks you to dance before all the other girls; that butterflies-in-your-stomach-doing-somersaults kind of heat. That dangerous kind of heat called _hope_. Hope you thought was lost three years ago on the balcony where he first kissed you. 

But looking into Dan’s eyes right now, it feels like no time has gone by. He’s just as familiar to you as he ever was. _Oh this is bad. Be cool. Keep it together. You don’t love him anymore,_ you reassure yourself.

Time seemed to fly by that night. The food arrives, but the conversation keeps going between bites. You share stories of your many mishaps while living in Paris, like the time you fell down a flight of stairs because you tried wearing really tall heels. You show him the scar on your knee that resulted from your fall, and your feel your heart flutter when his fingers trace its edge. 

As he finishes his meal, he pulls out his phone to show you photos of his adventures with Sophie and Ralph, both of whom he has kept in touch with. The two of you begin reminiscing about your friends, recounting funny stories of childish pranks and reliving your uni days. You’re both so lost in conversation that you almost forget Kate is at the table. He looks at you with undivided attention, smiling and laughing like he used to. It is almost as if nothing has changed since the days you called Dan your best friend. 

Almost. There _is_ something different about tonight. Maybe it is how confident he seems to have grown. Or perhaps it is his flirtatious demeanor and body language. Whatever it is that has changed, it feels good.

“If you’ll excuse me, I have to visit the toilets,” Kate says, disturbing your flirtatious repartee with Dan.

You stand up to join your friend. “I think I’ll go with you. Dan, do you think you’ll be okay by yourself?”

Dan rolls his eyes and sarcastically replies, “I’m not sure I can survive on my own. Please stay, and hold my hand.”

You and Kate laugh as you walk away, but you glance back at Dan. He’s smiling, but when he sees you looking, he reaches out for your hand and sticks out his lower lip in a pout. _Always the joker_.

The minute you and Kate enter the toilets and out of earshot, she grabs hold of your shoulders. “ _WHAT IS GOING ON OUT THERE?_ ” She smiles wildly. “There was a bit of an awkward start but now you’re practically throwing yourselves at each other. The sexual tension is insane. I swear if I weren’t there you two would probably be dry humping on the table.”

You laugh at her gross exaggeration. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” you say, rolling your eyes at her.

“He’s still in love with you,” she says, matter-of-factually, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“No, he’s not.” You feel yourself getting a bit defensive. “There’s no way he’s still interested. He could have any girl he wants. He’s probably dating a different girl every week.”

“But he said…” Kate begins.

You interrupt her. “If he really felt that way, don’t you think I would have heard from him? Don’t you think he would have tried to get in contact with me at all over the last three years? He’s over it. If he’s flirting now, which he’s not, it’s probably out of habit. Like he said, he’s always surrounded by beautiful women. Did you see the way the waitress was acting towards him? He’s so used to women flirting with him that he probably thinks nothing of it. It’s just second nature to him.” As the words were leaving your mouth, you could hear the insecurity tucked between each syllable. The look on Kate’s face says she can hear it, too.

“You know I love you, mate. You know I would tell you the truth, even if it hurt,” she assures you. “I don’t think Dan is the ladies’ man you’re making him out to be. He’s lovely, but he’s certainly no _Casanova_.” She pulls you into a hug and then pulls back, twisting you around by the shoulders until you’re looking in the mirror hanging on the ladies’ room wall.

“Do you see this badass bitch?” she motions towards you with a smile. “This bitch is talented, smart, kind, beautiful, and, above-all, _hilarious._ This is the same bitch that that dumbass out there fell in love with and tried to hide for all of uni, only he did a really crap job at hiding it. Everyone knew how he felt about you. It was written all over his face every time you walked into the room. And you know what? He still looks at you the same way. Now stop feeling insecure, go back out there, and tell him you want to have his babies.”

You both laugh until your eyes begin to well up with tears. Kate has always had a way with words. As much as she is crazy, she’s also usually pretty good at reading a situation. _Maybe she’s right_ , you start to tell yourself. _Maybe I can get a second chance with Dan_. You begin to feel a little hopeful, and you turn towards the door to leave. _Deep breath. Game face._

The door swings open and you step out, followed closely by Kate. Your eyes quickly land on the tall, leggy blondes now inhabiting yours and Kate’s seats on either side of Dan. The first thing you notice is the smile on his face, stretching from ear to ear. As your walking comes to a complete halt, Kate bumps into you.  She starts to say something but stops when she sees where you’re looking. Both women at the table are gorgeous, scantily clad, and a bit _too_ handsy for your liking. The one sitting in your seat has her legs crossed, leaning towards Dan with a hand flirtatiously touching his arm as she laughs at something he has said. _He’s not that fucking funny_ , you think bitterly.

Kate nudges your back, urging you to move back to the table. As you get closer, your eyes study the two women. They are young and dressed in clothes you recognize belonging to an expensive designer. The kinds of clothes you use at work to dress actresses and models…

_W_ _ait, that’s what’s-her-face. I think I dressed her once for a cover shoot. She’s not just an ordinary model; she’s like a freaking super model. And she’s flirting with Dan. My Dan. Grrr._

You begin to feel your jealousy rear its ugly head, like a lioness standing guard over a fresh kill.

“Retract your claws,” Kate whispers in your ear. It is then that you realize you’re glaring at these women like a crazy person. You pull yourself together before greeting Dan and your new guests.

“Hey, we’re back,” you say doing your best to sound chipper.

“Oh, HI!” what’s-her-face greets you cheerfully. She recognizes you from having worked together before, and introduces you to her friend. They both stand to offer your seats back. “We were just popping in and I saw poor Daniel sitting over here by himself, so we came over to say hello. I had no idea you were together! It’s a small world, isn’t it? Anyway, it was really great seeing you again.” She nods to you.“And you, too, Daniel. I’ll see you both on Friday then?” 

Dan nods his head yes.

 _I’ll see you on Friday, Daniel hehehe_ , you mimic in your head, trying not to show outward signs of your mockery. _What does that even mean?_

You turn back to Dan and ask, “what was that about?”

“She invited me to this industry party thing on Friday.” Dan shrugs it off. “Hey, do you remember that guy that lived…” and just like that the conversation returns to reliving the glory days of uni, without so much as a mention of the two bombshells that were there moments ago. You try to focus on the story he’s telling, but you keep thinking about the smile you saw on his face when he was talking to those women. All of your insecurities come rising to the surface again.

Eventually the waitress begins to look impatient and you realize it must be getting late. Dan senses it, too, and asks you for the time. Without thinking you raise your wrist to check your watch. His watch. You forgot to take it off. You freeze and glance up to Dan’s eyes. They travel from your wrist to your eyes, and he furrows his brow like a confused puppy. You forget to breathe.

“Well we should probably go before they kick us out,” Kate practically shouts as she stands up, breaking the awkward staring contest you and Dan are locked in. You stand, putting on your coat, and shove your hand with the watch into your pocket, ready to join her. He follows suit, getting up and pushing his chair under the table before walking towards the pub door. You step outside and say your goodbyes to Dan, feeling a bit defeated when you turn to walk away.

 _It wasn't as if I expected something to happen, it’s just…_ You feel a large hand grip tightly around your forearm, and you turn to face Dan. He looks down and gently pulls up on your arm, hinting that he wants you to lift your hand out of your pocket. When you comply, his grip releases from your arm and he tenderly takes your hand, lifting it closer to his face. He inspects the watch wrapped around your wrist and smiles softly before he speaks.

“So there is this party on Friday night and I’m supposed to bring a date…”


	3. Intimacy

_Knock knock._

You glance in the full-length mirror on the way to the door. Although you’ve never felt 100% happy with your appearance, you have always felt confident. Sure, there are things about your body you would change – you would love to be a little taller, get rid of some fat from there, change your nose maybe – but overall you were satisfied with how you look. But since seeing Dan a few nights ago, you haven’t stopped feeling a crippling insecurity overshadowing your every thought. When you think about the smile on his face while he was chatting up those models, you feel a pain surge through your chest. If those are the kinds of women he dates now, you don’t stand a chance.

It didn’t help matters that Kate has been endlessly teasing you about going with Dan to the “industry party thing,” as he had so eloquently stated. She kept advising you to wear something sexy for your date, or if things didn’t go well, you should “shag him anyway.” But honestly, you aren’t sure if this is even a date. Maybe he just invited me to help me network. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to walk in alone. Or maybe he just wants to show off how amazing his life turned out to be after uni, without me.

_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK…_

You shut out those negative thoughts and check the mirror one last time. Your eyes survey every inch of your body from top to bottom and when you’re satisfied you turn to the door. You swing it open with exasperation to find Dan laughing as you catch him practically beating it down.

“Is someone impatient?” you ask while eyeing him. Dan’s black skinny jeans are back, making a very welcomed reappearance, but the NASA jumper has been replaced with a fitted, dark-green, plaid button-up. His arms and chest seem a bit more muscular than your remember of your lanky uni friend, but you shut out that thought before your mind begins to wander.

“I wasn’t sure you had heard me the first time,” Dan explains. He leans forward and hugs your body loosely and awkwardly. Your arms move naturally towards his shoulders, pulling his body closer as they wrap around his neck. He seems relieved that you’re comfortable returning his hug and lifts you a bit off the ground. You feel him smile as his cheek bumps the side of your face.

“Put me down, giant!” you scold. You playfully kick your feet back and forth, narrowly missing his shins. Dan laughs and pretends to take a bite out of your shoulder with a little growl, eliciting from you another teasing. “Someone save me from this horrid beast!”

You both laugh before Dan sets your feet back on the ground, releasing you from the embrace.

“I know I’m a bit early but that’s because I’m naturally very good-looking and it takes me no time at all to get ready. I thought I would just come on over,” he jokes. “If you need more time to get ready I can snoop around your flat, or maybe give you some tips on achieving my level of sexiness.” Despite his sarcasm, you can’t help but agree. He has achieved sexiness during his three year hiatus from your life. Maybe it’s the beard, you wonder. Bearded for pleasure? No, stop it!

“Actually I’m ready to go. You lead the way,” you say.

You pull the door closed behind you as Dan turns to walk towards the street. You follow him, as you’re not really sure which car is his. He walks towards a motorcycle and comes to a stop next to it. He turns to you with a smile and says, “Hop on.”

You glance down at your clothes and back up to him, arching one eyebrow in an _are-you-fucking-kidding-me_ kind of way. He barrels over laughing and gestures towards the car parked behind the bike, causing you to laugh at his prank. You make your way to the passenger door and reach to open it and let yourself in. You don’t notice Dan has followed and reaches for the door handle just as you do. When your hand collides with his you pull it back quickly and look up to see a smile on his face. Stepping aside for him to open the door, you try to get in the car as quickly as possible so he won’t see your blushing cheeks. As you lower yourself into the seat, you feel his free hand lightly graze your back as he helps you in. Where the tips of his fingers trail across your skin, you feel goosebumps trace their path.

On the way to the party, Dan explains that the event is actually a viewing for a short film written and directed by a guy he knows. The guy, Chris, had started out as a film review editor before trying his hand at making films. He had edited a few of Dan’s reviews when he was starting out, and really helped him hone his craft. With the way he speaks about Chris, you can tell Dan looks up to him.

He drives down a quiet residential street in one of the most affluent neighborhoods of London. He pulls up to the gate of one of the fancy houses and buzzes someone over the intercom, granting you entrance. After parking the car, he opens your door and reaches down for your hand to help you out. As you survey the home in front of you, you feel your anxiety begin to rise from the pit of your stomach. Still holding on to your hand gently, he leads you to the front door and you feel a rush of nerves tingle throughout your body. He doesn’t bother to knock this time, instead pushing the door open and letting himself in. You realize he must feel pretty comfortable here. _Well at least one of us is feeling relaxed…_

You can hear what sounds like a crowd of people murmuring from the back of the enormous house. He leads you through the house closer and closer to the voices until finally you see that everyone is hanging out in the garden. You try to take in your surroundings – the white string lights hanging over the heads of the beautiful people, the sound of music playing quietly in the background, the smell of Dan’s cologne – and feel your anxiety subside. As if reading your mind, Dan gives your hand a squeeze. You look up to see a sweet smile on his face, a look of genuine happiness. You feel your racing heart return to its normal pace and you give his hand a squeeze back, reassuring him that you’re okay.

He steps outside to greet his friends, and introduces you. You can’t help but notice how exceptionally attractive and fashionable they all are.  Finally, a man steps out of the house and yells for everyone’s attention. Dan nudges you and mouths the name ‘Chris’ while nodding towards the guy. So that’s the guy to impress if I have any chance with Dan.

Chris thanks the small crowd for coming and expresses how much his friends’ support means to him. When he finishes with the introduction, he points the group towards a patch of blankets and pillows strewn across the grass facing a projection screen. Dan places his hand against your back as he leads you to a spot on the edge of the crowd. He sits down, stretching his long legs in front of him and leaning back anchoring his weight on his hands. You sit beside him, kicking your legs out.

“Hi everyone,” Chris says awkwardly with a little wave and a small smile. “So, this is for a competition where I am to create a short film based on a few lines of provided dialogue. I… hope you’ll enjoy?”

Chris steps aside, smiling nervously. When the film begins, you steal a glance over your shoulder at Dan. His eyes are wide like a kid in a candy store.

The film depicts a handsome, bearded man meeting the love of his life while carrying out a number of errands. When he finally enters a jewelry shop, it becomes clear that he is preparing to propose to the girl he has been talking about. He explains that alone on the dance floor before all of their loved ones, he would ask her to marry him. But as the final scene of the short film opens, the camera looms on the man’s face while he apologizes to his lover for not giving her the proposal she deserved. He tells her how much she has given meaning to his life, and how he can’t imagine growing old without her at his side. He pulls out the ring as he tells her how much he wants for her to be his wife. As the camera zooms out from his face, you see the man is wearing his suit and holding the bouquet listlessly at his side. He drops to both knees and lets out a sob. It is then the camera turns and reveals that the man has been kneeling by a gravestone. The picture slowly zooms in to reveal her name on the stone, and you see his hand place the engagement ring on top before the screen goes dark.

You’re fighting back tears when the crowd begins cheering. Chris steps in front of everyone and thanks them again. He points towards someone in the crowd and says, “Most of all I’d like to thank Will for volunteering his time to be in the film.” At that, Will smiles and gives a bow. Dan whistles loudly for Will, and you turn to see him smiling proudly. They must be good friends, too.

Most of the crowd disperses to chat, so you rise to your knees to stand. Before you get up you look to Dan who doesn’t appear to be moving from his seat on the blankets. He looks at you, raising an eyebrow inquisitively, and asks, “What did you think of the film?”

“It was great. You have very talented friends it would seem,” you gush. “What about you? Did you like it?”

Dan glances back at the blank projection screen reflectively, taking a moment to process his thoughts. He turns back to you and with a smirk he says, “That’s not how I would have done it.”

“Okay, Mr. Know-It-All,” you mock him. “How would you make the film differently?”

“I didn’t mean the film,” Dan clarifies. “I meant the proposal the character had all planned out.”

Don’t ask. Don’t do it. But before you can convince yourself to keep your mouth shut you ask him, voice slightly trembling, “What would you have done differently?”

His face flushes a bright pink and he looks away. You can see that he’s embarrassed but in the spirit of friendliness you decide to push the boundaries. You lean towards him bumping his shoulder with yours and beg, “Go on. Out with it.”

“Declaring your unconditional, eternal love to someone doesn’t seem to me like the type of thing you do so publicly.” He glances around the party, making sure no one else is listening. He turns his face back to you, but can’t seem to meet your eyes with his. “What I mean is, proposing in front of everyone else ruins the intimacy of the moment. That’s the thing I believe about love, I guess. It’s supposed to be intimate, isn’t it?”

He pauses and nervously runs his hand through his hair. “It seems like a lot of people want these very public proposals and enormous weddings, but I don’t get that. I wouldn’t want to share that moment with anyone else except the only person that matters. Maybe I just feel that way because it’s hard for me to express how I feel. I have a difficult time saying ‘I love you’ but when I say it, I really fucking mean it. I don’t take that lightly. You know, I think I’ve only ever said it once and… I don’t know what I’m saying. Nevermind.  I would probably screw the whole thing up and she would say no… who would say yes to me anyway?”

Abruptly the confident new Dan you’ve witnessed all night melts away before your eyes. His gaze lowers to his lap, his forehead scrunching into worry lines. You see the same expression in his eyes now as you did that night three years ago on the balcony just before he kissed you. It was as if his confession had turned back the clock and beside you sat the insecure, shy Dan from uni. Inexplicably, it breaks your heart to see the old Dan resurface. In your confusion you think, _One minute you’re confident and joking around, and the next you’re insecure? MAKE UP YOUR MIND._

Lost in your thoughts and before you can say anything to him, Dan stands up. Wordlessly he helps you to your feet, sure to not make eye contact, and leads you to a group of people talking about the film. You join in the conversation and quickly feel comfortable with your new friends. You get so caught up talking with them that you lose track of time and Dan. Your stomach starts to growl and you remember that you skipped dinner. Deciding it’s time to leave so you can go home and eat everything in the kitchen, you search the crowd for your date.

Eventually you spot him in a corner with Chris and Will, a serious look on his face. Probably discussing the film, you think. Best not to bother them. You turn on your heels to walk away, but hear Dan calling after you. He walks towards you with a self-assured smile and puts a friendly arm around your shoulders. You watch as he looks out at his friends, like a king surveying his kingdom. It appears he’s back to his old self again… or new self, I guess. You’re still thinking about this old-Dan/new-Dan juxtaposition when your stomach growls again, this time loud enough for Dan to hear.

“Hungry?” he asks. You nod yes and he boasts, “I know this great place just around the corner. Super exclusive and swanky, but I think I can get us on the guestlist. Interested?”

“I think it’s after midnight. I’m not sure I know of anywhere that serves food this late,”you reply.

“Well you’ve probably never heard of it. Like I said, it’s really exclusive ;)” He winks and leads you through the house to leave.

You start thinking about this new Dan, with his fashionable friends and parties. You can’t deny you love his newfound confidence and style, but you aren’t quite sure who he is anymore. The old Dan would have rolled his eyes if the word ‘guestlist’ had come out of anyone’s mouth. New Dan, however, is a nervous wreck one minute and the next he’s bragging about getting into exclusive restaurants. _What the everloving fuck is wrong with him?_ you wonder.

As you’re getting into his car you joke, “You’re an insufferable hipster, you know that? I’m Dan Smith and I have ironic nerdy glasses.” As he doubles over laughing you continue to tease him. “Look at my cool friends. Let’s go somewhere swanky you’ve probably never heard of. I’m on the guestlist.” You can’t hold back any longer and start laughing with him at your ridiculous impression. It feels great to see him laughing at your joke. At least he still has a sense of humor about himself.

When you both regain your composure Dan begins to drive towards his destination. A few minutes later he turns from the road into a carpark, and your eyes go wide with shock.

_“McDonald’s?!”_

“Technically, the guestlist is just a drive-through,“ Dan says laughing at your surprise. “What would you like?”

“I would like one of everything, but I’ll settle for a milkshake and fries,” you answer with a giant smile. After Dan places your orders you remind him, “You know McDonald’s is my guiltiest pleasure and the reason I put on weight at uni.”

He grins and says, “All I remember is you loving those fries and looking beautiful at uni.”

Food now in hand, Dan drives to the edge of the carpark and turns off the engine, leaving only the radio on. Sitting in the dark you both start chowing down on your food. A comfortable silence fills the space between you, and you get lost in your thoughts about the new Dan.

There’s no denying you’re attracted to him. At uni you had developed feelings for him, but not really the kind that left you daydreaming of kissing him or anything. But ever since your reunion at the pub a few nights ago, you haven’t stopped thinking about kissing him and even other things of the bite-the-pillow variety. You wonder if he would still kiss as soft and timidly as he did that night three years ago, or would his new confidence replace his gentleness with passion. You imagine what it would feel like for his large hands to run through your hair and feel his hot, sticky breath and beard against the exposed skin of your neck. Would he linger his mouth over your skin long enough to tease and drive you wild, moaning his name, pleading with him to satisfy your lips with his? Or would he be aggressive? Maybe he’s the kind of guy that doesn’t hesitate before pushing his lips roughly against yours, one hand gripping your hair tightly while the long fingers of his other hand tenderly trail up your thighs and…

 _NOPE. Not going to think about that. Nope, nope, nope. I’m going to ride that Nope train all the way to Nopeville where they can elect me the queen of Nope. Stop thinking about that and fill the silence. Say something to him. Anything!_ Once again, your mouth moves before your brain can stop it.

“Dan?”

“Mm hmm?” he grunts. You set down your food and muster the courage to look into his beautiful blue eyes. Instead when you look at his face all you see are his full cheeks and his milkshake straw in his mouth, slurping away. In his free hand moving towards his mouth is a wad of fries ready to be shoveled in after a big gulp. You forgot that Dan is a perpetual child where junk food is concerned. This is definitely not the sexy Dan you had been daydreaming of seconds ago. You giggle, making him smile.

“Dan…” you say cautiously. Your expression turns serious and you look deep into his eyes, searching for a reaction when you quietly say, “You’ve changed.”

He looks surprised and sets down his milkshake. “How so?”

“You’re more confident, which is good,” you start with trepidation, choosing your words carefully. “Your sense of style has definitely improved. You obviously look great…” You notice his face flush at that and point to his cheeks. “THAT! That right there! One minute you’re self-confident, almost bordering on arrogant, and the next you’re blushing because a girl calls you cute. It’s like…”

“So you think I’m cute now, do you?” he interrupts.

“Shut up and let me finish,” you groan, rolling your eyes. “It’s like after the film when you bragged that you could do a better proposal but when I asked you about it you got all flustered. Why do you do that?”

Sarcastically he replies, “Obviously a master of romance never gives away his secrets.”

“Be serious,” you beg.

Exasperated by your relentlessness, he turns from you, looking out the window into the night. You flashback to three years ago when he told you he loved you. You remember the way he looked out into the distance that night, lost in thought, probably searching for the words to say. You wonder if that’s what he’s doing right now. As if somewhere out his window, maybe scrawled on the pavement or written in the stars he would find the perfect phrase to serve as testament to what he is feeling. You plead with the darkness: _please say that you’re still in love with me._

He sighs and runs his hand through his hair. His fingers push his thick hair back and linger intertwined with his fluffy locks, as his mouth opens to speak. You notice his whole body suddenly tense at whatever thought had just crossed his mind and his hand drops to rest on the steering wheel. His gaze turns from the window and he stares at his wrist. Slowly, a smile spreads across his face.

“Why were you wearing my watch the other night at the pub?” he asks, his eyes now locked on the watch wrapped around his wrist.

Too embarrassed to answer you argue, “No way, I asked you a question first! You tell me why you were so uncomfortable talking to me about love and proposals or whatever.”

Dan’s smile grows wider and he turns back to you. His eyes, now locked with yours, seem a brighter blue than you’ve ever seen before. He reaches a hand to your seat’s headrest to steady himself and leans closer and closer towards you. You feel a shiver up your spine as his face comes just inches from yours. You’ve seen this confident twinkle in his eyes before. It’s the same look he would get in class when he was called on and knew the answer. Maybe he’s figured me out. Maybe he knows how much I want him to…

“I’ll make you a deal,” he whispers. His eyes now travel from your eyes to your lips. “I will answer any questions you have honestly, but for every question I answer you have to give me something in return. Do we have a deal?”


	4. Older, None the Wiser

 “Hmm?” Dan purrs, leaning closer. He arches an eyebrow and smirks like the arrogant bastard he is.

You’re pretty sure a noise escaped your mouth but the likelihood it was an intelligible phrase is slim to none. Your mind tries to reconcile his body’s close proximity to yours with a coherent thought, but all attempts seem futile. His eyes search your face, locking with yours for a moment before returning to your lips. His left hand steadies himself on your headrest as he leans his body across the car, invading your personal space. How dare he look so innocent while he toys with you? He must see your face flushing a deep shade of crimson despite the darkness of the night that surrounds you. Surely he’s noticed by now that you’re a nervous wreck.

“Oh I uh… the deal you were… w-what kind of deal?” you eventually stammer out.  _Good job, brain. Way to sound intelligent and sexy._

“I answer your questions; you give me what I want in return,” Dan answers.

_Give him what he wants in return? OKAY. Yeah, he can get it. He can get it so hard…_

 Trying your best to conceal your thoughts, you manage to whisper in an attempt to sound seductive, “What do you want in return?”

The corner of Dan’s mouth rises in a crooked smile. While his left hand steadies himself against your seat, his right hand lifts toward your face. He brushes a stray hair falling across your cheek back, and you feel the tips of his fingers lightly graze against your cheekbone. You’ve seen this cheesy move a thousand times in the movies. You know exactly what comes next. Right after this he’s going to cup the side of your face and run his thumb against your cheek like the movie stars do. He will lean in, close his eyes, and gently kiss you. That’s how it always happens in the movies. You close your eyes in expectation of what will surely come next. 

But this isn’t the movies and Dan Smith is no movie star.

_SPLAT._

It takes a moment for your senses to register what has just happened. The first sense your mind recognizes is the sound of something wet spraying all around you, like a small explosion going off inside the car. Next, you become aware of the icy, cold dampness all over your body. It covers your legs and arms, even your face. Every nerve ending in your body seems to be tingling. _Did a bomb go off in Dan’s car? Are we covered in blood? Am I dying? What the hell is that smell? It smells like…_

“Oh god, I’m so sorry,” Dan whimpers. “God, I don’t know how I did that. I’m such an idiot. I’m so sorry. _Shit!_  I’m sorr–”

You open your eyes to see a sea of pink in your lap. When you look to Dan, you see a horrified expression on his face, and small pink spots along his jaw and chin. You look around the car and everywhere you see flecks of pink. There was certainly an explosion in this car, but this was no ordinary bomb. No, this was a strawberry milkshake blast.

“What the hell did you do?” you yelp.

“I’m sorry! Fuck, I’m so sorry. I don’t know! I was leaning over the middle console and I was losing my balance. I thought I put my hand down on that plastic bit but I guess it was the cup holder. I put my weight on the lid and it just…” With every word Dan’s eyes grow wider and wider. He looks absolutely mortified.

“Dan,” you say calmly through gritted teeth. “Do you think you could stop freaking out and maybe hand me some napkins or something? This is a little cold.” You motion towards your legs where most of the cold, sticky mess has landed.

“Okay. Yeah. Of course. Oh god. You must be so cold. Here take these,” he says as he frantically searches for more napkins.

You try soaking up as much of the liquid as you can but there’s too much for the thin napkins. Your mind races trying to think of a way to get the icy bath off of your legs, but you’re distracted by the stinging feeling of the cold. You decide you have no other options. You have to do it.

“I can’t stand it anymore, I have to take my pants off,” you groan in pain.

“WHAT?!” Dan shouts, much too loudly for such a small space.

You roll your eyes. “My pants, Dan. My jeans. Not what you’re thinking. As long as I’ve lived in England I always forget you call underwear _pants_. I meant my jeans. My jeans have to come off, I’m freezing!”

“Here? You’re just going to take them off here?” he yelps. Dan’s in full freak-out mode now. Clearly not thinking straight, he starts wildly dabbing at your legs and arms with a handful of napkins. “You can’t just sit in my car half-naked! I don’t have a towel or anything. Shit! Okay, I’ll give you my jeans and–“

Before he can finish, you reach for the door handle and push open your car door. You step out into the chilly night air and start unbuttoning your jeans to remove them. Your fingers begin to tremble as your body is wracked with chills. From inside the car you can hear Dan still rambling on, but you’re far too distracted by the act of peeling the freezing fabric from your legs to listen. You toss off your shoes and stoop down to pull off the jeans, freeing yourself from the stabbing cold of spilt milkshake. 

Suddenly, you hear Dan’s car door swing open, and you whip around to see him climbing out of the car. From behind, he appears to be standing perfectly still, until you hear the jingle of his belt fall loosely from being unbuckled.

“What are you doing?” you ask curiously. You stand on your bare tiptoes to try and look over the car to get a better view.

He bends forward, reaching to remove his shoe. Losing his balance, Dan stumbles and lands on the pavement.

“I’m okay! Give me a sec–“

“Dan?” You walk around the back of his car, gripping your arms over your chest, trying to keep warm. When you see him you can’t help but laugh. Sitting on the ground in his boxers, Dan struggles to remove the last inches of his jeans over his feet. When he finally frees himself, he holds them out towards you.

“Here, put them on before you freeze.”

You double over laughing at the ridiculousness of your situation. Here you both are, in your underwear, in a McDonald’s carpark, in the middle of the night. To any stranger, this would look like the beginning of a cheap porno. In reality, this was an embarrassing end to an awkward reunion, all thanks to Mr. “Let’s Make A Deal”. 

Realizing the cold has set your teeth chattering, you reluctantly reach for his jeans and start to slide them up your legs.

“Nice,” Dan jokes. He gives you a wink before pushing himself to a standing position.

You tighten the belt to keep them from sliding down. “You mean these old things? I’ve had them forever,” you reply, rolling your eyes.

“I didn’t mean the jeans. I meant what’s beneath them.”

Playfully, you smack his chest and pretend to look annoyed. You start to cross your arms across your chest again in an attempt to keep warm, but it takes you by surprise when Dan grips both of your hands. Grinning, he pulls you closer. He places both of your hands on his back and wraps his arms around your body. He gives you a squeeze.

“I’m really sorry about ruining your clothes.” He begins to rub a hand up and down your back to bring heat back to your shivering body. Enveloped in his arms, you begin to feel warm. “I’m going to take you home before you freeze to death, okay?”

“Mm hmm,” you mumble as you nuzzle your face into his chest. _Mmm, he smells good. What is that scent? It’s like clean laundry and cologne, with a hint of strawberry._

You know you’re probably making this exchange a little awkward, but you don’t care. He feels too good to let go so soon. You love feeling his body pressed against your trembling frame and the way his hand massages your back as he continues to rub small circles to keep you warm. Wrapped up so tightly in his arms, your body is securely encased in his. You listen to his breathing, deep and slow, and press your ear tighter to his chest until you hear his heart beating. You inhale the scent of him, holding your exhale until his to match the rhythm of your breaths. Hands still placed against Dan’s back, you feel the muscles expand on his inhales. Never have you felt this way before. There’s a calmness, a sense of peace, flowing throughout your body. For the first time in your life that you can remember, you feel perfectly content. _I wish this didn’t have to end. I could so easily fall asleep right now. I wish he could hold me like this all night._

Dan places a kiss on the top of your head and slowly drops his hands to his sides. You release him and take a step back. Your body unexpectedly feels cold again. A shiver travels up your spine and you wrap your arms tightly around your body to keep from trembling.

“You okay?” he asks.

“Yep, let’s go.” You walk back around to the passenger side and take a seat. Dan joins you in the car. For a moment, the two of you sit in silence. You both inspect the mess of exploded milkshake all over the interior of his car. You try to swipe up some of it with the soaked napkins, but he stops you. He tells you not to worry about it because he will clean it up later. His says his first priority is to get you home so you can warm up. He starts the car and sets the heat on high.

The whole drive to your flat, the two of you laugh over the milkshake incident. You teasingly call him Captain Smooth and compliment his socks and boxers. You are both so busy joking around about his clumsiness that you forget about the events leading up to it. The nervousness you felt leading up to Dan’s deal was long forgotten. That is, it was forgotten until you arrive back at your flat. 

Dan walks you to your door as you wonder,  _If he was trying to kiss me before, will he try again at the end of our date? Was it even a date? He never said it wasn’t. Actually he never said it was, either._

When you get to the door, you offer, “Do you want to come in? I can change into my pajamas and give you your jeans back.”

“It’s late so I should probably get home and clean up that mess in my car before it dries and I can’t stay awake any longer,” he replies. “You can hold on to those until I see you again.”

You nod in agreement and turn to unlock the door. Your mind starts whirring again, this time with more negative thoughts. _Will he kiss me? This wasn’t really a_ date _-date. We’re just friends, I think. Actually, he never said anything that should make me think otherwise. There’s no way he likes me as more than a friend. He’s totally over me. This is pathetic. Okay, I’m sure this wasn’t a date and I’ve embarrassed myself enough so I’ll  just say bye and get it over with._

“Well goodnight, Dan,” you say, barely turning from the door. You push it open and step inside. “It was fun. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

Dan raises both eyebrows and blinks a couple of times, looking a little surprised at your abrupt goodbye. “Oh. Um, yeah. I–I mean, sure…”

You smile and quickly close the door. Instantly, you feel a wave of regret wash over you. You very awkwardly said bye and then shut the door, quite literally, in his face. He didn’t even seem to be finished talking. _What’s wrong with me? Oh my god…_

You start to open the door. Maybe it’s time to explain your nervousness to him. You’re beginning to think you should confess your feelings. You should just get the awkwardness all out on the table. He probably already has an idea of how you feel anyway. He did see you wearing his watch after all these years just a few nights ago. Perhaps you should tell him you have missed him and you wear his watch every day as a reminder of him. You should tell him you are hopelessly in love. But just as you reach for the door handle, you hear footsteps behind you.

“You naughty little bitch! Where have you been? Do you know how late it is? Tell me everything right now!” Kate blabbers out.  “Are those Dan’s trousers you’re wearing? Did you shag him? God, you did, didn’t you? I knew it!”

“Nothing happ–“

“Eww, you smell like strawberry lube. Was he good? I always imagined he would be complete rubbish. No offense, but he doesn’t seem like the type that could even find the right hole, I mean he’s never…“

“KATE!” you shout, trying to interrupt her, but to no avail.

“… I guess he does have big hands but I still think he seems like he would be terrible but you would know better than me. So. Tell me everything.”

“I didn’t sleep with him!” you bark, finally getting her to be quiet. “Nothing happened. Maybe we almost kissed but I’m not even sure if that’s what he was doing. That turned out to be a disaster anyway and now I have totally screwed everything up, even if there was something to screw up, because I just shut the door in his face because I’m a giant moron.”

Kate cocks her head to one side, looking amused by your rambling. Stifling a giggle, she says, “Alright, you go put on your pj’s, I’ll put the kettle on, and when you get back to the living room we will talk this out all night if we have to.”

After changing, you join your flatmate on the sofa and recount the night’s events. She stays up with you for a couple of hours, and when you both can no longer keep your eyes open, you agree to get some sleep and continue the conversation in the morning. Climbing into your bed, you settle in to a comfy position. Unable to sleep for the thoughts jumbling around in your mind, it begins to strike you how much you care about Dan.

When he confessed his feelings for your years ago, you had realized you felt something for him too. You loved him, maybe even a lot, but you couldn’t quite picture yourself in a relationship with him. At uni he was your best friend, your confidant. He had seen you ugly-cry when you failed an important math exam. You had put cold rags on the back of his neck that time he got so drunk he puked on Ralph’s bed. You had seen each other at your worst. Nothing about that was sexy. You thought relationships were supposed to be sexy. Back then you couldn’t comprehend being with him. He was your best friend.

But that was three years ago. Now you are older and wiser. With every guy you had dated since leaving uni there was always something missing. Even with the guys you found sexy, the relationship lacked something. There was nothing special in their touch. Was it passion? You had wondered if you just weren’t a passionate person; if maybe you would never feel that way about anyone. But tonight, wrapped warmly in Dan’s arms you figured out what was missing with those other guys. Now you understand completely why you didn’t feel it with them, but you feel it with him.

Intimacy. It was the familiarity of Dan’s crooked tooth and dimples when he smiles. It was the confidence to walk into a room full of strangers that he gave you just by holding you hand. It was his laugh when you teased him for being a hipster. It was the tenderness of his fingertips brushing against your skin when he pushed the hair from your face. It was the concern he showed by stripping down to his boxers so you could borrow his jeans to stay warm. It was the affection in his embrace when he held you close and rubbed your back in the carpark. You know him top to bottom, inside out; every little detail of him is just as identifiable to you as yours are to him.

Dan’s words from earlier that evening keep running through your mind, over and over, finally lulling you to sleep.

_“That’s the thing I believe about love, I guess. It’s supposed to be intimate, isn’t it?”_

_~~~~~_

The next morning, you wake and immediately check your phone for messages. You didn’t really expect to hear from Dan so soon, but you had hoped. Unsurprisingly, there is nothing. You reason with yourself that he was always a late sleeper and he probably isn’t even up yet. Even if he is awake, he wouldn’t be talking to anyone. He isn’t a morning person at all. He always joked that he couldn’t smile, not even for you, until at least noon. 

Resolving to not lay in bed all day, you stumble into the kitchen where you are greeted by an over-excited Kate.

“I know exactly what you need today and I will not take no for an answer. We’re having a girls’ day, complete with brunch, mimosas, and shopping for clothes we don’t need and can’t afford. Now, march yourself right back to the shower and wash the pink stuff out of your hair, you smell like rotting fruit. Go.”

She grabs you by both shoulders and spins you around until you’re facing the direction of the bathroom door. Protesting with groans, you stumble forward as she pushes you towards the door. Finally you give in. Maybe a day out with Kate is what you need to clear any thoughts of Dan out of your head. You shower and throw on some ripped jeans, a baggy t-shirt, and Dan’s old watch. No need to look good on a girls’ day out.

Soon enough, you and Kate are walking towards a small café and debating if alcohol before noon is sloppy or not. Unexpectedly, you hear your name called from nearby. Glancing around the street you see what’s-her-face, the model from the other night, waving from in front of a boutique store just ahead. She’s accompanied by an equally beautiful brunette you’ve never seen before. You and Kate wave and walk towards them to say hello. _Even on a Saturday morning, probably running errands, they look gorgeous. OF COURSE I would run in to them when I look like crap and am dressed like a slob. Of-fucking-course_.

Greeting the women, you explain that you are on your way to brunch and politely invite them to join you. You’re relieved when they say they can’t. Laughing, the brunette says they are helping their boyfriends shop for a birthday present and without their help the boys would be hopeless.

“Here, they come now,” she says, pointing towards the boutique door behind you.

Pushing open the door is a tall man with dark hair and the most wicked beard you’ve ever seen. You smile, preparing to introduce yourself, but he turns to hold the door open for the man behind him. At first you don’t recognize him, probably due to the hat covering his trademark quiff and his face turned towards the woman in front of you. But as he comes closer you see the crooked tooth smile you know so well. The smile he used to joke he couldn’t muster until noon.  You look down at Dan’s old watch on your wrist and feel your heart breaking.

_It’s 10:37AM, and he’s smiling._

_For her._


End file.
